Circles : Part Three : The hallway

Beams of light transfigure from afar,
It blinds our vision.

That temporary blind spot appears when we glare upon the sun.

I turn around and look for her,
But I find only darkness,
The blind spot consumed the one I longed for.

But that’s not my real problem,
I’m in a hallway,
A 50/50 choice.

To one side of me darkness,
A tornado,
Whipping within the depths of the hall,
Beckoning me to follow the pure terror I feel.

However to the other side light,
A warm breeze blows,
Songs of joy and tribal drums beat.

Alas
my mind plays tricks,
as silver doorknobs echo the footsteps of the one I lost.

I glance toward the light,
An angel awaits at the entrance,
Crying over a coffin,
She smiles at me and walks outside,
Looks skyward and turns petrified.

But down the hallway I hear a voice,
Whispering me to follow,
Concealing their identity.

Laughter pursues as I take my first steps to reveal uncertainty.

I stop suddenly and listen,
But the echo of irony follows.

Slowly,
And Surely,
from the darkened way a door knob clicks open.
The sound traveled,
Like a sonic boom,
An invisible wall.
And I was on my back before I knew It hit.

Voices,
Shouting in all directions,
Piercing my ears with venomous screams,
My conscious mind is torn with the thoughts of a hundred beings.

The simple choice of direction ceases to exist, for a once shimmering light at the entrance way was replaced by the glow of a thousand silver door knobs each guarding a new land.

It some takes time,
But my eyes adjust,
And I contemplate options.

A swirl of voices tells me to go right,
I try to block them out,
But they start to sing.

Beautiful melodies,
Cleanse my mind,
Persuade my body,

I stand up,
Look right and smile.

Ignoring the chanting rituals I begin to walk against the grain.

10 feet,
20 feet,
30 feet.

And then a voice.
It was faint,
But real,
Distant,
But bright,
Someone said my name,

followed by a soft click.

Light,
Brighter then anything I’ve seen before,
Searing my eyes to darkened lava,
I continue forward.

Four counts,
A siren blares,
Rhythmically,
Holding the highest pitch at the midway point.

A stiff wind blows,
Impeding my progress,

But then it came,
The sonic boom,
Propelling my body to certain doom.

To Part 2 or To Part 4

Circles: Part two: Eyes

Eyes

A faceless lady digs her nails and scratches my skin.
Only to pour blood upon the chalkboard,
clawing and biting she wants me more.

She walks through the isles of desks,
her teeth exposed,
blood dripping,
her lips say stay.

Her eyes however told a different story,

flickers of hope,
sapphire eyes.

For a moment she disappears,
replaced by an angle,
a girl I once knew.

Reaching for my neck I countered a chill, it traveled down the spine and filled my mind with shock.

My flesh,
missing,
and blood flows,
a river,
down my body.

The walls turned,
no-longer pure;
the roots of a dogwood,
constrain the structure.

Her hand lays outward,
reaching,

half dazed and ash falling from the ceiling we begin coughing blood together.

I grab her hand,
flashes of red again,
flesh from my arm gone,

I guide us the doorway.

The room smaller now,
with lights emitting from underneath,
complete darkness.

I bump the desks,
racing toward the doorway,
she jumps on me scratching my face,
the doorknob at my fingertips locked.

Her eyes glowed red,
claws again,
my blood sprayed across the darkened room.

Agony,
she smashes my head,

A defining crack my head split open and the sent of rotting corpse.

I feel my soul being devoured,
every sense my existence,
gone,
to be devoured,
and leaving my heart untouched.

What can I say?
What a moment,
time stood still,
looking over her shoulder from a distant hill

I realize the end its not the end.

She grasped my heart,
still beating,
squeezing the last bits of blood left inside.

I'm nothing but a hidden memory, disguised in atoms of her brain.

She glances around,
and her eyes cut through the darkness.

The roots retract,
desks fill the rows,
and the classroom returns,
to its undisturbed form.

She walks to a desk
and sits in front of the classroom,
placing my heart on a stack of papers.

The words flow,
As boiling ink flows to my heart,
it beats again,
Warmth,
her writings poison.

Were simply words when were gone and through words I survive.

The pain of reconstruction,
searing ink,
Scorching the paper,
torching the desk,

but I am reborn,
just a shadow of my former self.

And then I ask,
How could she do this?
To rip me apart and leave only my heart,
the last place she still had a hold on,
she left alone.

Slowly I regain feeling,
my skin darkened burnt, but useable.
She reaches for me again,
and I take her hand.

The room warms, but cools the body as the doorway emits a shimmering light.

We don’t talk,
just walk,
our minds in unison as she opens the door.

To Part 1 or To Part 3

To 

Circles: Part one - A memory

Author note: I enjoy how my character slips into non-existence in this part to start the story. Here he's simply contemplating his last thoughts before slipping into unconsciousness. Obviously being at a bar and having relationship problems are common place these days, follow closely, but don't analyze every move that happens in the unconscious for the mind is purely unpredictable.

Circle,
circle,
sign wave function,
is any part of life more important then at this junction?

I sit here blankly,
whitewashed,
empty minded;
a light flickers at the end of my vision.

I follow blindly,
unnerved,
unnoticed.
Will the end be what I always held closest?

She smiles as atoms implode as distant thoughts of ecstasy escape my unconscious mind.

A lady,
blond and brilliant,
who’s only known throughout my childhood as a distant villain.

Permission granted,
she explores her options,
a request I held close to my chest.

But now she’s gone,
like a curious child,
never to notice my hidden smile.

Days turn to weeks,
weeks turn to months,
and months turn into years.

A part of me is eternally lost,
as time stands still,
doomed forever to grasp for mere air.

The days turn darker now;
I lay here unnoticed,
hoping to regain something I held closest.

I loved her,
thought she’ll never know,
for the feelings of remorse captivate my soul.

I’m ashamed,
my love silences me to sleep,
and my love freezes my being into a useless heap.

An empty shell,
sickened by a never-ending quest,
to forget her in all of her unending beauty.

But even from afar the memories remain.

Tears dry up,
my eyes sag red,
as tear ducts finally lose their meaning;
to be trapped in a bar less cage,
unseen to even the noblest of eyes.

To Prolog or To Part Two

A long break

Its been a while since i wrote...

I really wasn't expecting to take that long of a break, but with the holiday session, visiting friends and family, and suffering from a horrid cold over the past couple of days just made me forget about writing...

I never realized how misguided my thoughts become based solely on my singular entity. And even now contemplate why i write. I realized I can never achieve find nirvana by mere words. I can study teachings of foreign religions, review thoughts from afar from my own standpoint, and also the stand point of others but at the end of the day where am i really?

To be honest I find writing as a way to keep my mind clean, to write down old thoughts and continue expanding, continue finding new things. If we don't write, were stuck on the side of the road, thinking the same thoughts, doing the same actions, running in circles like a common animal.. We could never organize, re-think or undo stupidity.

The bottom line is writing gets things out, ideas that would never be, ideas that might be, and ideas that are so close someone had to say something. If we didn't write, it would be pathetic to always run around in circles with ideas that were never meant to be.

I find it best to quote Barack Obama:

"The dream will not happen, and he now faces the choice of accepting this fact like a grownup and moving on to more sensible pursuits, or refusing the truth and ending up bitter, quarrelsome and slightly pathetic."

Life is dreams, its about knowing when to have something and when to let go.. What pursuits await me i do not know, but the dreams of old I shall let go (I'm an adult). Running in circles is pointless, and i believe the only way to finally accomplish this is to be an adult and finally write what I have began realizing so many months ago.

Hate

I am so one sided right now I feel as if my head were full of acidic bomb and the whole fuse theory has failed to combined my other self. Hatred.. Back lashing hatred i have right now.. I have found my anti-self and i am very very pissed off at the process of finding another individual..

When i realize how pathetic their attempt is to try and connect with me, i look back on my life and try to compair that what they're doing to how i attempted to attain going out with other individuals in my life.. It makes me hate even the attempt of trying to connect with another individual, their sad pathetic look, their trying to stay as long as possible, to be close in a converstation even when they have nothing to say.

THE WHOLE PROCESS IS HORRID.

I can now say, I don't care if i find person z.. i found person x.. the bitchiest person that is around, the person that makes you realize that its pointless to find person z. give up, your efforts are idoitic..

I honestly do not forsee myself going out with a female in the next 10 years.. i would be happy if that moment never came because i found my person x. the person that makes you hate every characteristic of the opposite sex.

The Anti-Self

There are attributes in our lives we’ll never fully realize until we meet other individuals. Upon that meeting you realize they have something that you have, some attribute that you thought defined your life, now your realize someone else shares it. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s a learning process. Its viewing your characteristics in other individuals, and honestly forming a well rounded opinion about that attribute. Different perspective views are important to understanding how and why we operate.

When you understand why you do something, you can either maintain doing it or change. Its kind of funny how machine like we really are. Binary….

For example lets take look into the condition (or disease) known as love. Love is one of our basic animal instincts, and occurs in many variations, levels, and degrees. It the physical and emotional attraction to another living entity. I call it a disease because something in our long line of evolution, our culture got messed up. Since the foundation of the term marriage individuals have forever changed love to something more meaningful then what was originally attended to be.

So back to my original statement, the anti-self is the individual who makes you realize an aspect of your life is worth changing. What you are doing, and how you are proceeding in your life is not correct way of using your attributes and by viewing how others approached the situation as you did, you realize how stupid and idiotic the miscalculation of the resources they poured into moments really is.

Backtracking to the third paragraph, love was supposed to mean the hookup. Prolonging our races stay on the planet for a little bit longer. Protecting and controlling the species. But somehow, religion influenced our mental values and created a greater problem then it solved.

Religion asks do you love a person enough to spend the rest of your life with that person. And to complicate things now, you must think of that basic question when you meet people. Simply going out isn’t going out anymore, its observing the levels of attraction individuals have for another.

I find this amusing, because the levels of attraction are never the same for any individual. Person A loves person B, but person B loves person C, but person C loves person A. No person realizes this is going on because there’s something wrong with their minds. They all have attraction toward each other but the strongest level of attraction is for something that they can’t possibly attain.

The mentality of person A, B, and C

You fail when you settle for someone who loves you, when person B is like screw it, I’m going for person A. B person must then adapt the mind for this situation and becomes something that he/she really was not attending to be.

Personally, I believe Love exists only in the first point of contact (the initial meeting), if you find it any other way then your not the same person, you failed to remain yourself in finding what you wanted. The first thing you must accomplish is finding your anti-self in order to remain yourself and realize how a person causes change within yourself( the anti-self from person B’s standpoint is person A; then you’ll realize how to eventually find person Z).
90% of people are sick because of love and they don’t understand it (they settled and never realize person Z exists). Love never grows or shrinks, it just is.